as 40 looms around the corner (ugh i know... how am i this old?!) the marriage clock keeps ticking. but why? i decided years ago that parenthood wasn't for me. so what's the hurry? i'm awesome and a relationship will never define me. i'm a kick ass entrepreneur who does what she wants when she wants and why ruin a good thing?
i got a special delivery on valentine's day....FROM MY MOM. she delivered some sweets from my favorite bakery and seemed really sad because..... "i'm sorry you're still alone"....I'M NOT SORRY.... i'm okay with that. most days i really am. i love my business, i love what i do. i love spending time with my friends when i want. i love to travel solo. i love eating dessert and not having to share. and i'm quite sure miyagi is happy he doesn't have to share me. i'm good.
but some days... some days are lonely. i'm not going to lie, new years was hard this year. there were at least 200 people at the party i attended and i was the only single person. how is that even possible? my friend pointed out to me that many of those couples were probably not happy but that didn't discourage the case of the "mehs" that plagued me for the next week.
i often revisit my failed relationships from the past few years and honestly can't imagine being married to any of them. there was nothing wrong with my former loves... my exes are all wonderful humans, just not right for me. as each relationship ended, i found the lesson, and moved on. i'm definitely the common denominator in the equation so of course i'm starting to question if it's me. am i the problem? is it time for therapy? am i too self aware for my own good?
i don't have commitment issues, i'm not broken, i love fiercely, am extremely loyal, passionate and always up for adventure. i know i'd be an awesome wife. i am feisty and opinionated. i pride myself on good communication and honesty.
in the past, i had friends who jumped from relationship to relationship wanting to marry every guy they met... they wanted the white picket fence, the husband, the children.... i never craved that. i wanted love of course, but also freedom, adventure and success. can you have all of that with a relationship? sure. but marriage wasn't something i felt i needed. i'm sure had i put my mind to it and sinked my claws into someone, i could have easily been married several times. but would i be fulfilled? would i be happy? probably not. i have zero regrets.
documenting weddings and love stories when you are 38 and still single, is NOT ideal. it tugs on the heartstrings for sure. when will it be my turn? am i being too picky? will i ever get to wear the white dress? so many wedding photographers i meet are husband & wife teams (or wife & wife) which makes me insanely jealous. i'd LOVE to find someone i could be in business with. how fun would that be?! overall, weddings give me hope that i will find my person and have my epic love story too. it's not all depressing for me, or i wouldn't continue to do it.
one thing is clear, i don't want to settle. the older i get, the more selective i am. i know what i want in a partner and i just haven't found them.... and i'm okay with that. i want someone to grow old with, but i've learned to be patient. i cherish my alone time. sure, it would be nice to have someone to snuggle during the nuclear war around the corner, but if it's just miyagi, that's fine too.
honestly, i have not been proactive in meeting anyone in the last three years. i'm not on any dating sites nor am i interested in seeking anyone out online. the introvert tendencies are definitely not helping me meet anyone. i figure i'll meet someone at a wedding.... or a vegan restaurant. definitely not doing myself any favors by not leaving the house for a week at a time. it's time to go out into the world and be more social. definitely on the to do list for 2018.
it's funny, i remember sitting in class in elementary school wondering what i'd be like in my 30's, what my life would look like. i never saw marriage. or children in those daydreams. i saw career. i saw adventure. these days i daydream about owning a tiny house, a large piece of land in the woods, near mountains. somewhere with four seasons. i see an overly large vegetable garden and a barn with alpacas, pigs, goats, and goldendoodles. a girl can dream. if i find that special someone and they want to come along for the adventure, awesome.
so i'm going to keep on loving my life. put all of my heart and soul into my work and into the world.